Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
