if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
from now on my penis is your penis
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
