Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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