I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Can I color on your dick again?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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