if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
