I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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