Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
