I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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