Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
