I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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