Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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