new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
