walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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