too bad you live with your parents still
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
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