Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize