It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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