I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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