More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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