totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
