No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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