Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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