the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
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