omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize