Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
