I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
