He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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