Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
