apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
You pole danced in your parka.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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