respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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