Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
