I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
A bitchslap is in order.
I currently don't understand fingers.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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