My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
