dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
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