when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
