you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
