Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
