Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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