She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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