also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
