I should be sponsored by Trojan
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I wish there were birth control emojis
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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