Already got asked if we're dating
I accidentally had phone sex last night
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
