Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
