MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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