she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize