Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
