My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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