Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
