I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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