If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
