Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
