The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
