My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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