I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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