Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
