Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
