Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
