I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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