i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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