my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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