I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
No more Irish car bombs ever.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
