Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
