he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
40s are totally the cure
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize