dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
