the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
