need another drink. this is the easiest way
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
