How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
