If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Randomize
