My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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