Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
