Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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